


A Shit-tastic Christmas

by TheAlternativeRuler



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Christmas Fanfiction, Late present for a friend, M/M, Multi, idek what their ship name is???
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-03
Updated: 2016-01-03
Packaged: 2018-05-11 08:57:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,555
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5621011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheAlternativeRuler/pseuds/TheAlternativeRuler
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John, Karkat, and Dave decide to host a Christmas party for their friends. This should be interesting.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Shit-tastic Christmas

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Piza](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Piza/gifts).



> This is for my dear friend, ArtyTheDragon, who's literally my favorite person to just talk fandoms with for hours on end. Hope you like it, and sorry for it being so late! Merry Christmas!

Your name is John Egbert, and you're currently making icing and Christmas cookies for a party while listening to one of your boyfriends bitch about said holiday.

“I hate your shitty human customs. Why do I have to wear this monstrosity? It’s itchier than a buzzbeast bite,” Karkat grumbles, crossing his arms angrily.

You laugh because he looks more pitiful than scary. “Ugly Christmas sweaters are a must! Besides, Rose took the time to make everyone one, we should actually wear them to show our appreciation!”

This causes the troll to relent a bit, letting out an exasperated sigh. “Fine, I'll wear the stupid fucking sweater. But I'm taking it off the moment this season is over.”

“Fair enough.”

Suddenly, you hear a huge crash coming from the living room and a “shitshitshitshitshitSHIT!”, which is followed by a pause and then a long, fake-innocent wail of “Jooooooooooooooohn…”

“Goddammit, Dave, what did you break this year!?” You slam down the bowl of icing you were mixing and march into the other room to asses the damage. Dave Strider is standing in a sea of glass shards. Apparently, he dropped the big ornament box without the lid on.

You perform a facepalm x2 combo, glaring at him through your fingers.

“Hey, at least they're the crappy dollar store ones,” he says defensively. “Now can you get me out of here? I'd rather not spend Christmas at the hospital having bits of Santa’s ass picked out of my feet.”

With a long-suffering sigh, you quickly use your windy powers to sweep away the broken bits of glass into the kitchen’s trash can. Karkat curses as the shards fly by him, even though he knows they won't hit him. Dave rushes over to Karkat and hides behind him like a guilty little boy hiding in his mother’s skirts. You snort at that and turn to inspect the floor. It looks okay, no more banged up than usual.

“Strider, what the everpitying fuck did you do?” Karkat quirks his eyebrow at the pale blond hiding behind him.

“I kinda sorta dropped the ornaments and broke like all of them. But in my defense, I'm like 99% sure that Godcat randomly popped up at my feet and tripped me. I don't fall.”  
Both of you give Dave an unimpressed look. His cool-kid shit is so unwelcome right now.

“Looks like we have to put another job on the list of ‘things Dave completely fucked up’ now.” You start to open what's left of the ornaments and hang them on the tree.

Karkat huffs and rolls his eyes. “At this point, the motherfucker might as well sit his ass on the couch and try not to breath on anything.”

“That I can do,” Dave lilts with a smirk and flops down on the couch.

“Lazy bastard,” you mutter. You wonder if he always screws stuff up so he would end up not having to do anything. Honestly, you wouldn't put it past him. Your prankster’s gambit throbs at the beating it takes from the possibility of Dave pulling that on you guys.

“Guilty as charged,” Dave says, shooting you a wink. This, of course, pulls an eye roll from you and an unimpressed snort from Karkat.

Once most of the ornaments are hung, you go back to the kitchen to finish the cookies and icing you were working on before. Shuddering, you stick your finger in the bowl of icing you'd been mixing and taste it. 

You grimace. It's disgusting and you want to spit it out, but you force yourself to swallow the overly sweet “treat.” Oh yeah, this is definitely perfect for everyone. If you hate it, that always means that the sugar level is just right for your friends. 

The oven dings, letting you know that the first batch of cookies is done. You pull on an oven mitt, swing open the door, grab the hot pan, and place it on the stovetop. You take the next batch of uncooked cookies and place it back in the oven, closing the door and punching in the new time. Taking off the oven mitt and placing it on the counter, you turn to inspect the finished cookies. They're steaming, fresh and golden and absolutely revolting. You're glad you don't have to decorate these, that's all Dave’s and Karkat’s deal.

You start to move the cookies to a plate so they can cool and so you can put a new round of festive doughy shapes on the pan. As you're doing this, hands slip around your waist and a lanky body presses against your back. You sigh a little as Dave presses his lips against the top of your head.

“They look great, babe,” he compliments, removing one hand to steal one and pop it in his mouth.

“Ugh, if you say so,” you say with a wrinkled nose. Out of the corner of your eye, you see Karkat dip a clawed finger in the icing bowl and bring it up to his thin, grey lips. He sucks on the finger, grinning as the sweetness hits his tongue. “Mmm, you've outdid yourself, Egbert. I can't believe you hate these sugary confections, they're fucking incredible. It's literally the only redeeming quality about this useless holiday.”

“Hey, don't go shitting on Christmas. You'll wind up on the naughty list, and Santa already has too many ho ho hos to deal with.” Dave’s pulling a poker face as you turn around in his arms, but you can see the hint of a smirk on the edges of his mouth.

“Right, because I'm so fucking scared of an imaginary, bearded, fat old man that only exists to boost consumerism and companies’ profits every time this season rolls around.” Karkat gives Dave a flat look, stealing more of the icing as he does so.

“Stop that!” you exclaim. “You'll eat all of it and then there won't be any to use on the cookies!” You wriggle out of Dave’s grip and snatch the bowl away from the shorter troll. He growls, but lets you take it from him nonetheless.

Before either of them can take the icing again, you cover the top with saran wrap and place it in the fridge. Dave finishes moving the cookies to a plate, which you put on the far end of the counter out of the way. 

“C’mon you two, let's watch a movie before the party. Might as well kill some time while the cookies are going,” Dave says, wrapping his arms around yours and Karkat’s shoulders.

You start a movie—”A Christmas Story” to be exact—and cuddle together on the couch. It's snowing, the fireplace is going, there's a hand-knit blanket from Rose draped over your bodies, and you have your two favorite people in the world on either side of you.

You smile. Life is pretty good.

~*~*~*~*

Your name is Karkat Vantas, and this party is exactly the shitty train wreck you thought it would be. 

You hate Christmas. It's an unnecessary holiday made by greedy moneybags who only want to force people out of their money to buy useless shit for each other. Snow is awful, you hate the bright, colorful lights everywhere, Santa is a fucking criminal and a pedophile that doesn't even exist, and all the festive cheer in the air is physically choking you.

That aside, this particular Egbert idea is still horrible in its own right. Almost everyone is drunk from the spiked eggnog (you're suspecting it was Roxy), there's a hemospectrum of icing colors on the fucking walls because of Nepeta and Gamzee, several eggnog glasses are broken (thanks so fucking much Zahhak), as well as the shitstorm that is the aforementioned drunk people.

Your friends are all either having sloppy makeouts, passed out at random places in the room, giggling embarrassingly at anything and everything, or watching the display stone-cold sober with amusement.

Oh you're watching stone-cold sober alright, but without a single hint of amusement. You only have hatred for these asshats. Also for Egbert, who doesn't seem to mind that his idea is going to result in what looks like sweeps of cleaning for him, yourself, and Strider.

“Hello Karkat, having a nice time?”

“Does it look like I'm having a fucking nice time, Rose?” You shoot her a look and continue to glare dejectedly into your mug. Hot chocolate, not eggnog. You refuse to become another drunken idiot in this shameless display.

She simply chuckles in response and sips eggnog from her glass. You'd worry about her being drunk, but judging by how full it is and how small her sips are, she's not even tipsy and won't be for quite some time. “You know,” she comments idly, “I’ve noticed that John and Dave have been moving increasingly closer to the doorway into the kitchen.”

Your head shoots up and you find that she's right, they're sitting on the couch on the end closest to the doorway, and earlier you'd seen John by the tree and Dave by the table with all the food and drinks and shit. 

“Now, I don't know if this is purposeful or not on their part, but I do also see the mistletoe hanging above their estimated destination. So you may want to take advantage of the situation.” She smirks on the rim of her glass. “I know I did.”

Aaaaaand now you know why she's acting so gogdamn smug and amused. She must've macked on Kanaya earlier on. Lovely. 

You huff in response, but even so, you leave Lalonde to walk towards your matesprits. You definitely do not blush when you hear her laugh at your retreating form.

~*~*~*~*

Your name is Dave Strider, and it looks like Operation: Have Sloppy Makeouts with Egbert and Vantas Under the Mistletoe is going all according to plan. 

You've been able to lure John closer to the doorway from which the “berries of getting laid” are hung without him noticing. Rose has dropped her little comment to Vantas about what the two of you are doing, and he's making his way over now. Fuck yes, you're a goddamn genius.

“Dave, earth to Dave! Hello? Is anyone there behind those stupid shades?” John waves his hand in front of your face with a laugh.

“Huh?” you say, turning back to face him. “What's up, noggiest of eggs?”

“I told you already, Dave, I'm not eggnog!” He rolls his eyes. “And you've been smiling to yourself for a while now. Penny for your thoughts?”

“Oh, uh, I don't know, man. Guess I'm just in the holiday spirit and all. Getting all jolly up in this shit.” You shrug, silently praying that he’ll just let it go. If he finds out about your plan, he’ll definitely give you hell about it, and you’d honestly rather fight Lord English again.

He looks at you skeptically for a moment, then shrugs and says, “Whatever, dude.”

“Hey shitstains,” Karkat says as he walks up to you two.

“Karkat!” John smiles widely. “How’s it going? You having fun?”

He scoffs. “Sure, Egbert. I just love watching everyone I know humiliate themselves in a collective heap of inebriety.”

“It's not that bad!” John insists. “Some of them aren't drunk!”

You take a quick look around. “Y’know, not much, now that I'm looking.”

“…well, at least they're enjoying themselves.”

“They won't be so happy tomorrow morning,” you snicker. Karkat rolls his eyes. “Great, I'm sure we’ll be dealing with that complete fucking disaster when it hits.”

You look around again and notice that pretty much all of the glasses are gone from the table. Perfect, an excuse presents itself.

“Hey, would ya look at that? Zahhak must've busted the last of the eggnog glasses. I'll go grab some more. Vantas, come with and help me find em.” You stand and motion towards the kitchen with your head.

He sighs in exasperation, but follows you. You notice that he waits just barely too long to follow you through the doorway. When you see that you're alone in the kitchen, you say, “You're onto me, huh?”

“Lalonde may or may not have helped me put two and two together,” he answers.

After a bit of a silence, you dare to ask, “So…are you in?”

At first, you think he's going to punch you, but then he gives you a shark-like grin and responds, “Sure, why the fuck not?”

You smirk back. “Awesome. We just have to wait way too long to get the glasses. He’ll come and investigate eventually, and we’ll be right next to the doorway to hear when he does.”

“Nice.”

The two of you move into position and wait. About ten minutes later, you hear a very faint sigh and hear the couch rustle. Here he comes. 

You look at Karkat, then flick your eyes to the doorway. He nods and the two of you move to intercept Egbert.

You catch him mid-sentence.

“Jesus, guys, how long d—” He bumps right into you. Startled, he moves back a bit, blue eyes wide and shining from the Christmas light reflections. “Oh, sorry! Did you find the glasses?”

“No, there aren't any left. Zahhak owes us big time,” Karkat says with an eye roll. 

“Aw, that's okay. He doesn't do it intentionally! And besides, they weren't really expensive anyways.” John moves to sit back down, but you and Karkat grab each of his wrists and pull him back.

“Whoaaaaa.” He stumbles back to stand before the two of you. “What's wrong with you two?”

You point up and his eyes travel to the top of the doorway, landing on the brightly colored berries and leaves.

“It's a tradition, bro, you can't just skip out on it like that,” you chastise.

“Jegus, Egbert, even I know your shitty earth holiday customs better than you do,” Karkat adds.

“Oh, no! You two are not kissing me!” John exclaims. “I saw you eating those cookies after you decorated them, your mouths are two sugar-coated death traps that I'd rather not get myself involved with, thank you very much!” 

“Too bad, Egbert. You aren't getting much of a choice here,” you say. You grab his shoulders and pull him in for a kiss. He yelps just before your lips connect, but once they do, he seems to melt against you.

“Hey, I'm under this plant too, you know,” Karkat complains, pulling John away from you and kissing him too. 

“Mmph…too…sweet…” John says against Karkat’s lips. He doesn't seem to be bothered by it all that much, if his arms around Karkat’s waist are anything to go by.

“Shut up, fuckass,” Karkat mumbles, kissing him again.

“Yeah dude, I don't think Vantas could ever be that sweet,” you say with a smirk.

“Oh yeah, Strider? Why don't you see for yourself?” Karkat challenges, breaking away from John.

“With pleasure.” You lean over John’s shoulder and kiss Karkat. Almost immediately, sugar floods your mouth. Damn, he definitely sweetened his hot chocolate too. Vantas’s mouth is like diabetes in a warm, wet package. Not that you're complaining.

When the two of you break apart, John is blushing furiously between your bodies. You both grin at him, which only makes it worse.

“I hate you both so much,” he says.

All three of you know he’s such a fucking liar.


End file.
